Humourous article - Dachshunds

When you are ankle high and a spoiled Dachshund (or other lap dog), it takes lots of creativity to get your humans/parents to obey your every command. This type of training takes lots of planning, precision teamwork and being relentless on the job. Just practice everything below and you will become an expert people trainer in no time.

(The following is for dogs only: These helpful hints work for big dogs too if you improvise.)

Human Training Tips from Two Expertly Spoiled Wiener Dogs:

Whenever company is over, insist on joining the party and being very loud. After all, they came over to see you.

If you want to go outside, do not try the conventional method of going to the door and politely waiting. Be sure to start a loud conversation complete with singing. This will get them moving in a hurry while they are wincing in pain over your piercing voice.

When let outside from the front door, go to the back and demand to be let in there and vice versa.

Why lay on the floor when you can be on the couch or bed? If you can not jump up on your own, continue to bounce until you get their attention. Someone will take pity on you eventually and you get exercise at the same time. After you are there for 30 seconds, jump down for no apparent reason Repeat 10 to 20 times a day.

When you want to get a treat, try running or digging furiously on the closest furniture. Be sure to pick the nicest couch or chair in the room. Humans do not always associate food with furniture abuse, but some may come around.

Only come when they call you if they maintain eye contact or are less than 40 feet away. Otherwise, act deaf and have some fun. When you are finally forced to come, act abused and put upon.

Chase every bird out of your yard. No reason except it entails ceaseless barking.

Do not fetch on command and only under much protest. They will have you chasing tennis balls until you die. Some of the stupider dogs do this but it is undignified. You chase your brother or cats only while running through the house and never outside when you lay around and be lazy.

No chasing people, as it may require work. No exceptions-not even burglars.

Many people like lap dogs to lay quietly while they read or watch television so be sure to poke them with your nose repeatedly just in case they are terribly stupid. Stare lovingly at any food or drink container and thump loudly with your tail against their newspaper. Hey, it works for cats!

Do not allow your parents out of your sight. They need help in everything they do. Be sure to dig up seeds in the garden or stand in their way while doing laundry or dusting.

Run for your life from vacuum cleaners. Although your human has never threatened you with the noisy thing, you never know. Do not come for quite a while when called even after the screaming vacuum was put away hours ago.

Scream in pain and fear when your toenails are being trimmed. Even if they are only taking off the very end and are not even close to the part that smarts. You will get better bribes in the end, trust us!

Lick your human's toes after they exit the shower. You can not understand why they continue to get wet all over every day but you are thanking them for all their great treatment. This makes them think you really like them and not just all the free food. Be sure to chase any person around to lick their ankles thoroughly especially when they hate your slobber on their feet.

If they are eating and not giving you a treat, try sitting up and being very cute. It not only makes you taller, but it always garners "how cute" from the company. You need not wait for them to train you to do this.

Some unsuspecting guest will always try to bribe you with choice tidbits while your mean mom says no. She will eventually let you lick a plate or a bowl, but you do not give up hope and the leg poking. Begging is an art form.

Cats were made for entertainment purposes. Lick their faces every chance you get because you know they are too sweet to kill you. Or poke them repeatedly with you nose until they run or swipe at you. Then run screaming in fear.

Demand a chew bone or a vitamin by standing at the treat cupboard. You can not do that at the front door, but it works well for Vitabones and other yummy treats. You goal is to confuse your human so this standing at one door, but not another and that always works well.

When you want fresh water, overturn the bowl and knock it around with your nose. It is more effective when there is water still inside and spilled on the carpet several times a day.

After your humans are finished eating dinner, be sure to zoom, bark, bounce, bark, and tail wag. Humans have no concept of treat time and you must pull out all the stops to remind them it is time for your after-dinner Vitabone treat. You can not live without your treat so make sure the whole house is disrupted until you get what you want.

Get extremely jealous when your mom chooses to hug your brother without you. Make a scene. See above.

Before going to take a nap on a well made people bed, be sure to pull all the covers with your teeth and front feet until you have it just right for laying down. Preferably on a pillow. The bigger the pile of blankets the better. No blanket should be left flat for you to be comfortable.

If your mom wants a nap, insist on joining her. Then take 30 minutes to get comfortable. See above. When your human leaves act very insulted that they dared to wake you up and spend another five minutes getting comfortable.

Protest every time they want you to do insulting doggy tricks for treats especially in front of company. If you are in the mood to sit up or sing, then go right ahead, but throw in some confusion now and then. They may think you are stupid but 99% of the time you will get a treat any wise.

Do all tricks unbidden at the weirdest times and only on a carpet. No self-respecting dog sits down on linoleum. Ever. Find the favorite rug and sit there.

This is fun! Try running as fast as you can, full body launch, and slam your mom's kneecaps in the cupboards while she is cooking in the kitchen and uses the can opener. You may not get a treat, but you will get some attention. You know you won't get in trouble because your mom laughs at your antics. Do you think she can hear your toenails on linoleum?

Only eat your kibble in the same room as your mom. If she is in another room, carry it to her favorite rug in that room and munch away while leaving little bits when finished. Humans love stepping on dog food in bare feet so choose the rug closest in color to your food.

Never, ever roll over even for the best treat. No self-respecting dog rolls over even when people help by nudging your shoulder. Be sure to act insulted and raise the hair on your back a little. Do not eat the treat they hand you after your ordeal is over and stomp off. Ignore their laughter.

While sleeping or being quiet for more than a few minutes, bark at every car that goes by the house. You have to earn your treats somehow. Better yet, bark at leaves blowing in the wind or a very threatening bird on the windowsill. Cahse any bird or neighbor's cat out of the yard and then stand barking incessently at the fence. Everyone must jknow how well you did your job so wake up the neighbors too.

Give your mom incessant licks anywhere you can reach while she is on the telephone or computer. You must remind your humans their job is to see to your every whim first. How dare they try to entertain themselves without you?

If your parents have gone out dancing and smell like cigarette smoke, do not greet them properly when they come home. Yes, you are glad to see them, but they must take a shower and change those offending clothes first.

When suspicious noises emanate from the television while you are snoozing on your mom's lap, cock your head sideways. It always garners lots of attention because you are so cute! Treats ensue.

Observe cats to learn this following behavior: If your human leaves the easy chair for a break from the television or a book, jump in the middle and make yourself to home. Hopefully on a pillow. Act very insulted when they make you move.

Do not wait for people to give you Christmas gifts. Tear open the packages and destroy your toy. You can not read so be sure to destroy every box until you find the toy you want to destroy like VCR tapes because they will eventually booby trap them with mouse traps. Avoid all booby traps and steal packages any wise.

Christmas ornaments were made to be torn off the tree and chewed. You need to train humans to put the ornaments that are not their favorites on the bottom so you have something to play with. Remember it is your holiday too!

After you have run your fun with destroying Christmas gifts, be sure to worm you way behind the presents and fall asleep. Do not come when they call you because you are busy.

Walk under their feet while they carry stuff. It reminds them that the gift is definitely for you.

Any plastic bag means good food. Poke your head in and root around for the good stuff without permission. You never know when a treat will magically jump in your mouth. Be sure to act very abused and hurt when they take away your steak.

If you must make a mess in their house due to sickness, always choose their favorite rug on the linoleum floor or the tan carpeting right in the middle of the floor. Do not move an inch out of the way so it saves them some time cleaning. They should have seen you were sick and let you outdoors to make messes-with both ends.

When sick, eat lots of grass and hold it, even if it is after two hours of playing outside. Wait to throw up until after you come back inside. Do not forget the rug or carpet trick above.

Also learned from the cats: Do not ever drink water that is a day old. You want it cold. In summer, you want it with ice cubes so you can cool off after a run in the yard. Move the ice cubes from the bowl to their favorite rug and leave there unattended. After it melts, you have a place cool to lay down.

Do not chew on the rawhide bones they hand you. Find something they cherish and go to town. That will teach them to leave it within six inches of the floor.

If all else fails, then just try very shrill barking when you want something. Yelling seems to be the best communication with humans as most are not that bright.

Or run to the back of the chair or couch while perched part way on their shoulder and lick everything within reach relentlessly. Usually your human will give in after about a half-hour of humiliating entertainment on your part, but the effort is worth it. Try digging hard in her lap or on her legs. This always garners laughs followed by treats.

Every time your parents pick up their car keys, make a scene. (See above.) Do whatever it takes to go slobber on all the car windows. Be sure to do the shrill barking in a confined space at very threatening gas pumpers, lawn ornaments, whatever. They just love that.

Attack all people who come within six feet of the car and smear more slobber. The object is to look like a ravening beast even if you are 8 or 9 pounds.

If you are told to stay home from a human road trip, then creep away with your tail between your legs so everyone in the room thinks you are terribly abused. This especially effective in front of company and forces your human to explain you are just disappointed. Of course, they all secretly think you are beaten and starved every day if you are a great actor.

If you do not have a yard be sure to stake out any available window so you can see the world outside. If there are annoying plants in the way keep knocking them off until your parents get the hint and make you a comfy bed in the sunshine right in front of your window. Then do not sleep, but bark at anything that moves.

That is all we can think of right now to help get your humans trained, but you get the idea. The previous tips should help any self-respecting dog get started in training the dumb people in your life.

Sincerely, Hunter & Oscar (the first two rescued hounds that live here at Dachshund Rescue NW to help train other new dogs how to be properly spoiled!)

(Note: We do not recommend this, but if you have had a traumatic childhood, your parents will spoil you rotten and let you get away with murder. Trust us!)

As dictated to Mom Margo as we, Hunter and Oscar, are too busy to type.